Life of the Ring: Part I
by Tomulosity
Summary: Ever wonder how the Ring saw things? How HE felt as Frodo's adventure took place? Now, get the facts straight from the Ring's nonexistent mouth!
1. Boastful bosses and big battles

**((A/N:** Just a quick note to say that as far as LotR goes, I am only familiar with the movies. This will not follow the books in any way, just the films.))

**Life of a Ring**

**Part I**

Chapter One.

Hello there! What? What's that? The War of the Ring? Frodo? Gollum? _My_ point of view? Why…I'd be happy to tell you! Finally, a chance to tell _my_ side of the story! To prove that I'm really a nice guy!

Well now, I hardly know where to begin. Aaaah yes, the war. Well, it all started when Sauron was having one of his usual bragging moments…

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_Yeah, yeah, buddy I know. _I thought. If I had eyes, I would've rolled them. _Yes, yes, you're going to rule Middle-Earth, and everyone will bow down before you, and nobody will stand in your way…I've heard it all before._

It was a usual day. I'd wake up in the morning-yes, even though I'm a Ring, I _can_ sleep-to find a bunch of scary dudes staring at me admiringly. What did Sauron call those freaky guys again? Forks? Whatever. Then, I would be left alone with my mostly-bored thoughts for a while, until Sauron would come in a start bragging.

In case you didn't notice, this was around where I was now. And what bragging it was. Not only would Sauron say the same _thing_ every day, but he would also use the same _words_ to describe it! About how powerful and awesome he was, and how he was destroying all the villages in Middle-Earth…to be honest, I felt a bit bad about that last part.

Apparently, as soon as he created me, he started putting his plan into action "In honor of my all-powerful creation!". Oh yeah, I'm all-powerful all right. I'm a Ring! How powerful can I be?! Sure I'm indestructible, everybody seems to have an irresistible attraction towards me-must be my dashing good looks-I can turn my wearer invisible, and have a great tattoo, -"One Ring to rule them all."-but that doesn't make me all-powerful! Anyway, back to the story.

As I said, Sauron was bragging when a…fork? Spork? Aaaah whatever, one of big S's minions barged in. "My lord!" He said in a gravely voice. I hate that voice. Makes them sound like they haven't had a drink of water for years. Although, since we _were_ in Mordor, that was probably true…Anyway, back to the…minion of Sauron's.

"My lord! Armies of men and Elves have entered Mordor! They will soon reach the tower!" the minion cried. Sauron cackled maniacally. He did that quite often during his bragging fests. "We will crush them!" He cackled. "Send all the Orcs we have to battle!"

Oh yeah! _That's_ what those guys were called! But…a battle? Oh crud. A battle probably meant that Sauron would fight-the nut could never resist chopping people's heads off for long-and _that_ probably meant he would bring _me_!! I had never been in a battle, but I'd heard of them, and I didn't have any desire to be a part of one. This was gonna' be a bad day.

xXx

_Whoa! Yikes! AAAAEEEEEHH!! _I screamed. In my head, that is. For your information, ring's can't scream no matter how powerful they are. Anyway, back to my screaming.

It was for a good reason! Complete chaos was everywhere! Everyone was dying!! I wanted to shut my eyes, but I don't have eyes, therefore I was unable to shut anything.

Oh man, Sauron was coming (So was I, as I was currently attached to his middle finger). Uh oh. He was taking his big macey thing!! He raised it up and…YAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!! HE KILLED ABOUT TWENTY GUYS IN ONE SWING!!!

What a mean dude!!! And look! He had killed some poor guys father! I felt really bad. Just my luck that my current master had to be a psychotic maniac.

Uh oh, the guy who got his dad killed was really mad now. Pfffffffff. How did he expect to kill Sauron with a broken sword? I mean, you can't blame the guy for trying, but seriously…WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He did it! He chopped me off Sauron's finger and actually killed him! If I had lips, I would've kissed that guy. Finally I was free! No more listening to Sauron's bragging! No more hearing the gravelly voices of those…Corks? Whatever. The point is, I WAS FREE BABY!! OH YEAH!!!

The dude who killed big S picked me up off the ground. _Dude, you ROCK!!_ I thought. _Thanks a million man!!_ He couldn't hear me for I was but a ring, but I still felt like I should thank him. At least until two minutes later.

_Um…Hey buddy, why're we going to my birthplace? Oh wait…you can't hear me. Dang, being a ring is frustrating!_ My savior-I think I heard someone call him Isildur-was carrying me to the Crack of Doom, along with some Elven guy. I had always wondered how those dudes looked like before they were turned into…Dorks? Hee hee…that sounds like a good name for them. That's what we'll call them from now on 'kay? 'Kay.

Anywho, we soon reached the Crack of Doom. Despite being born here, I had never liked this place. It was scary. And talk about hot! You think it's hot in Arizona? Well believe me when I tell you my friend, that ain't _nothin' _compared to here.

Huh? The Elvin guy was yelling something…Uh oh. Destroy me? Oh no, oh in the name of myself no. I had just been freed! I had places to go, things to see! I wasn't entirely sure how exactly I was going to _get_ to these places, being a ring and all, but at least I could go wherever Isildur went! I wasn't sure how good of an owner he'd be, but he would have to be better than Sauron!

The point is, I WAS TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!

Wait a second…what was Isildur waiting for? I mean, I was in no hurry to die, but if he wanted to kill me, you'd think he would've done it by now. Wait, what'd he just say? NO?!?!?

_That's it. I love this guy._


	2. Dead owner and a dull lake

Chapter Two.

The next few years of my life were great! I was living the sweet life, Isildur and I in the totally awesome city of Minas Tirith. I was pampered constantly-seriously, I was even given my own tiny bed-and my life was as good as a ring's life can be. I could've gone on like that forever…but no such luck. A living ring's life can get pretty tough.

The really bad times of my life began when Isildur decided to go on a Dork hunt. Apparently, those creepy guys were still out there. I was pretty excited. I guess the thrill of the hunt gets to all males, even if they happen to be inanimate objects. But whatever.

Anywho, we were traveling through these woods, a few warriors on horseback behind us, and I was feeling pretty cool. That is, until a bunch of Dorks decided to ambush us. Stupid gravelly voiced jerks. So Isildur was fighting them and all, when he got shot with a bunch of arrows and fell into a lake.

Okay, here there's a huge misunderstanding. Everyone seems to think that I deserted Isildur right then. Just another addition to my large amount of bad publicity. Darn Sauron for starting all that. The point is, Isildur friggin' dropped me! And even if he hadn't, what in the name of Gandalf was I supposed to do?! Throw myself in front of the arrows?!? I'M A RING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!

Phew. Sorry 'bout that. Had to get out some suppressed anger. It leads to a bad back you know. Wait a sec…I don't have a back, so what am I worried about? Meh.

Anyway, I slowly sunk to the bottom of the lake. Thus began the most boring time of my life, hands down. Just sitting there in that lake, watching all the various types of fish. After a while, I started to wish that I would get swallowed by one of them, just so something would happen. That proved that you should be careful what you wish for, as it was equally boring-and twice as disgusting-in that trout's digestive system.

After it seemed like I would shrivel up out of sheer boredom, something happened that would make my life even _worse_. Up at the surface, I saw a small boat with two equally small people in it. They seemed to be fishing, and I hoped that they would nail that stupid trout that had gobbled me a week before. No such luck.

They almost caught a big one though. Apparently these people were as weak as they were small, 'cause the fish freakin' pulled one guy under the water. It was actually pretty funny. I was desperately needing some good entertainment. The dude ended up letting go of the line though, which ended the humorous show.

Hey, he just spotted me! Is he…could it be…YES!!!! HE GRABBED ME!!!! GOODBYE BORING LAKE!!!! YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAW!!

As you can probably tell, I had been in that lake for far too long.

Anyway, I was _really_ happy to be free once more. The dude took me over to his fishing partner, and showed me to him. Uh oh. My dashing good looks strike again. This dude wants me now. Wait a second, what did he just say? "It's my birthday, and I wants it." I hoped he realized that he had just made an atrocious grammar mistake.

What the…they were wrestling over me! _Okay people, let's not get carried away. _I thought nervously. _There's enough of me for everyone…Hey hey hey, no choking! Okay, that's definitely not cool! Stop that right now! I said stop! STOP IT!!!! QUIT IT OR YOU'RE GONNA'…kill…him. _

You read right. The bad grammered guy killed the other one. Why, oh why oh why, did the third guy to own me have to end up killed too? What's wrong with my life here people?!?

The murderer guy picked me up and smiled. And my friend, we are talking about some serious creepiness here. That was one disturbing grin. And what he _said_ has turned out to be my most hated two words, no question. "My precioussssss…."

Thus began the flat out worst, and I mean the WORST period of my ring life.


	3. Is there a Psychiatrist in the house?

Chapter Three.

The events that transpired after Smeagol/Gollum-yeah, he has two names-killed for me, are the reason that I believe I need to see a psychiatrist. With all the rubbing and the…the stroking and the talking to me in that…that terrible voice worse than a Dorks…and those eyes…THOSE HORRIBLE YELLOW EYES!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

…Sorry. I just have serious issues concerning that particular time period. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I MUCH preferred Sauron.

I'm afraid I can't go on. Remembering that time of my life…it's just too painful. I hate that creep with a passion, and I regret to inform you that this is not going to be the last _you_ hear of him. He has an extremely harmful case of split personality, -he's in dire need of psychological help himself-so we'll just call him Smollum from now on 'kay? 'Kay.

After many years of fear, torture, and severe emotional damage on my part, a miracle happened. Smollum…dropped me! I'm afraid I can't demonstrate my reaction to this miracle, as the enormously high volume of my overjoyed screams would most likely leave you deaf.

Fortunately, Smollum didn't hear my delighted cries because of the whole "I'm a ring and nobody ever hears what I'm saying." thing.

Unfortunately, my intense joy quickly subsided after hearing Smollum's scream of anger. "The preeeeeciousss!!!!! The precious is lost!!!"

Oh great, just GREAT. The nut had realized he dropped me. Totally peachy.

I was about to resign myself to an eternity of horrifying petting and whispering, when I heard footsteps coming. I could tell they weren't Smollum's, as the dude usually walked on all fours. Perhaps he was half animal. Very likely if you think about it.

The footsteps came closer, and I recognized a small little guy with big feet, kinda' like how Smollum was before he went berserk. I desperately hoped that _this_ guy would only share Smollum's previous species, and not his insanity as well.

The guy noticed me, and I crossed my nonexistent fingers. "A…A ring!" He exclaimed upon spotting me. _Yup. _I thought impatiently. _I'm a ring. Now can we get out here before the Lord of the Psychopaths locates my whereabouts, please?_

Yeah, I admit that was a tad grumpy. But give me a break! The thought of spending an eternity with Smollum will do that to a guy.

What followed was a rather amusing incident where Smollum and Bilbo-the guy who just picked me up-engaged each other in a game of riddles. Surprisingly, Smollum didn't do half bad. You'd think his sense was too nonexistent to be able to tell riddles, but this apparently wasn't the case.

What followed _that_ was a crazy little adventure with Bilbo, a bunch of dwarves, and a wizard named Gandalf. He was a cool guy, that wizard. Don't quite like his fashion choices though. My advice? Lose the hat, man. Makes you look like something out of a wimpy children's cartoon.

I'm not really gonna' go into detail about this particular adventure, because…well…er…It doesn't have much to do with me. And you wanna' hear about _me_ right? Good. Thought so.


	4. Shire Life

Chapter Four

I gotta' say, life with Bilbo Baggins was pretty cool. I'd probably rank it better than life with Sauron, but not quite as well as with Isildur. If you have to ask if it was better than with Smollum, you should probably go back and read the last chapter seven or eight more times.

The Shire was a nice place, if a tad dull. But it sure beat the lake, I can tell you that. Bilbo was a tad…weird, but he certainly beat the crud out of Smollum. So all in all, it was positively…_average_.

That is, until Bilbo's birthday came around.

The dude was turning one-hundred eleven, and I was prepared for a fun night of beer, dancing, beer, pipe weed, and beer. Before the festivities, Bilbo apparently decided, right out of the blue, to write a book.

Seriously, he just woke up and went "You know, little Ring, I think I'll write a book." Didn't I tell you that guy was a little strange? Ah well, to each his own.

He didn't get all that far in his literature though. Not even up to chapter one in fact, 'cause some relatives decided they wanted to be a pain in the rear. I guess Bilbo was too lazy to get out of his chair, because he started yelling for Frodo to get the door.

Have I explained Frodo? Maybe not, so here goes. Frodo was Bilbo's nephew, who came to live with him after his parents drowned.

It is my personal opinion that nothing good ever comes out of fishing. I mean think about it; it caused the death of Smollum's 'buddy', caused the worst years of my life to occur, and caused the deaths of Frodo's folks. And for what? The possibility of a seafood dinner. Gimme' a break!

Anyhow, that's Frodo. Nice kid, I suppose. Again……_average_. Nothing special about him.

A little while after Bilbo beat the relatives away with a stick-now _that_ was interesting-there came _another_ knock at the door. "No thank you!" He yelled. "We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, or distant relations!"

"And what about very old friends?" A cheerful voice answered.

_Hey, hold the phone! _I thought excitedly, not bothering to wonder what in the Valar's name was a phone. _That guy sounds like…_

"Gandalf?!?" Bilbo exclaimed as he opened the door.

_Hey man! _I greeted happily. _Nice to see ya' again old buddy! Still wearing the hat I see. I keep telling you, the hat is not good for your ima-_

But alas, I was interrupted by the chummy hugging and such between Bilbo and Gandalf. Blast my ring-ness!!

We all came inside, and Bilbo started scurrying around for something for Gandalf to munch on. I offered helpful little bits of advice.

_Cheese?!? No way you idiot! He's your best friend who you haven't seen in years and you're gonna' give him CHEESE?!? Hmmmm, Sponge Cake huh? You sure you have nothing better than Sponge Cake? I mean, the dude's a freakin' Maiar, he's probably used to rare delicacies…You know what, sure, give him the Sponge Cake._

Unfortunately, my smart thinking was all for naught, as Gandalf said all he wanted was tea. Go figure.

They began to chat. And lemme' tell ya', when you get two old friends together who's last meeting involved dragon slaying, some interesting chatting is bound to occur. And it did, 'cause it was all about 'the trip'.

Have I explained the trip? No? Seriously? You'd think I wouldn't overlook something like that. Anywho, Bilbo was preparing to leave the Shire for good. Evidently, he was sick of the place. Understandable, nothing much really happened around there.

And according to big G, Frodo suspected something. It was pretty hard not to I guess, being that Bilbo had been acting pretty weird-well, weirder than normal anyway-lately.

I was looking forward to it, really. I hadn't had much excitement in my life since good ol' Isildur kicked the bucket. And no, life with Smollum wasn't excitement. It was torture. Two _completely_ different things.

It was a few hours later, and night had fallen. Very peaceful setting, party lights down below, Bilbo and Gandalf sitting and doing tricks with their pipes. You'd be surprised at what those two can pull off with a couple of good pipes. Especially Gandalf. I once saw him blow out an image of an entire Ringling Brothers circus, complete with a cave troll tamer. I kid you not.

Bilbo smiled as he smoked. "Gandalf, old friend," He said, "This will be a night to remember."

And it was. It really was.


End file.
